Mom’s Little Thug

Dispatch: Calling all cars… we’ve got a new APB for all cars. All officers please be on the lookout for a perp wreaking havoc around town. Subject is male, white, between 18 and 24 months, height between 30 and 35 inches, no weight given. Last seen wearing gray sweatpants, red Crocs, and – I think…

This is my friend Em

Em is single. Why is she single? I don’t know. She’s pretty, smart, educated, funny, and in great shape. She DOES have horrible taste in men, though. Her last boyfriend was a real douche bag one of those “I don’t know what I want” types, who broke her heart with his lame indecision and refusal…

I Really Don’t Know Why I’m Doing This

So when I was cruising around Blogland yesterday I noticed that several of my very favorite blog writers have joined this thing called NaBloPoMo, and I was all, “Why’re all these people promoting a bunch of pedophiles? Sickos!!” but then I realized I was actually thinking of NAMBLA, which stands for Man-Boy-Love, or something, and…

Musical Flashback: Heaven 17

It’s 1988. I’m 16. My best friend the Queen Bee and I are dancing. At the Sanitarium. The Sanitarium was a dark, dank, early-days-of-goth club, unmarked and off the beaten path, but close enough to Austin’s famed Sixth Street to get the trickle-down crowd. The inside of the club was dingy and painted black –I…

Tiny Sammy Davis, Jr. Got Me to Work Today

Do you ever drive somewhere and then get there and realize you have no actual memory of driving there? And you get a little freaked out because you were just behind the wheel of an automobile for at least half an hour with apparently no awareness of where you were or what you were doing?…

The Attack of the Troll

There I was, just strolling along, minding my own business, doing my thing, happy as a little lark with my little lark friends — when the troll pounced. It came from out of nowhere — in fact, I didn’t even know it was there until its huge shadow blocked the sun from my face and…

Feeling Scarlett’s Pain

So the other day my old buddy ~m from Dreams, You Got It, Happy posted this about how clumsy she is. I read it and laughed at her pain because, come on, other people’s pain is funny, and then I told her that she was not the only one, which is totally true. I am…

What Was I Saying?

I’m falling apart over here. Every day, I forget something else. Not my name, or to put on clean underwear or anything, but stuff like taking my vitamins or where I put those goddamned keys. Stuff that everybody forgets now and then, but when added up over time becomes a source of constant frustration and…

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