A Day in the Life of the Creepy Dude in the Next Cubicle

8:07AM Arrives at office. Does not say good morning.

8:09AM Disappears to office cafeteria for coffee, breakfast tacos and socializing with the few people who can stand to talk to him.

8:37AM Returns to desk with newspaper and gross coffee/taco breath.

8: 39AM Logs on to computer, sighs loudly, calls computer a “piece of shit.”

8:41AM “It’s like an oven in here. Jesus.” Sighs loudly again.

8:47AM Coughs loudly. “I feel terrible. It’s this place. All this recycled air makes me sick.”

8:48AM Coughs again. Offers very long, very detailed description of latest illness including something called a “productive cough” (which, GROSS) and doctor’s equally gross diagnosis.

9:10AM Eavesdrops on a conversation between me and a co-worker over the cubicle wall. Interjects multiple thoughts, despite the fact that our discussion does not involve or affect him in any way.

9:37AM Random whistling.

9:59AM “Goddammit who keeps turning up the heat?!? It’s like a SAUNA in here!”

10:12AM Asks for the 479th time what kind of laptop I have, how much it costs, what anti-virus software I use and whether I like it or not. Launches into detailed account of months-long quest to purchase a laptop (an account I could recite by heart at this point).

Rant includes multiple grumbly references to “that jackass Bill Gates” and numerous complaints about the high price of Internet access.

10:20AM Clueless Computer Guy overhears and joins in with feedback and helpful suggestions. Seemingly endless conversation between the two ultimately confirms that neither of them actually understands anything about computers.

11:23AM Upon Manager’s departure for lunch, grumbles about Manager’s work ethic, which he feels is sorely lacking.

11:29AM Mid-rant, a co-worker approaches and requests assistance on small project.

Response: “Not now. I’m busy. Maybe I’ll get to it after lunch time, but don’t hold your breath.” With a dismissive wave, sends co-worker away.

11:30AM Rustles newspaper as daily reading commences.

11:46AM Smells my lunch and comes over to investigate. Upon seeing that my dish includes zucchini, volunteers that zucchini often upsets his digestive system and gives him “the runs.” Happily returns to desk as I throw my uneaten lunch into the trash.

11:52AM Sporadic snoring begins.

12:18PM Sudden, loud snort indicates that he has woken.

12:20 PM Coughs loudly again. Insists that “this damn dusty office is trying to kill us all.”

12:27PM Asks me a question about Microsoft Word that an infant could figure out. Insists that I come to his gross desk to SHOW him the answer, rather than just telling him from across the cubicle wall.

12:29PM Upon realizing how easy it was, offers lame excuse for not being able to figure out Microsoft Word Infant question on his own, launching into yet another angry tirade about “that jackass Bill Gates.”

12:42PM ”What IS that you’re listening to over there? I can’t quite make it out.” When told that the song currently playing was performed by Cat Stevens, adamantly claims that Cat Stevens is a terrorist. Lays out a detailed argument for his case, despite the fact that no one has contradicted him or cares or is even listening to him at all.

1:47PM Another co-worker approaches and asks for assistance on a project. Tells co-worker that he cannot “drop everything” to help. Insists that it is not his job (although it totally is) and passes the buck to another department. After co-worker leaves, dejected, calls co-worker a “leech” and mutters under breath, “like I’M going to help YOU.”

2:02PM Places phone call to auto shop about tire rotation. Pursues far-reaching discussion about price of tires, size of tires, position of tires. Haggles over price. When auto shop guy refuses to bargain, calls him an “idiot” and hangs up. Loudly.

2:28PM Complains (again, loudly) about how much work he has to do and can’t get ANYTHING done because there is no one to help him. He needs an ASSISTANT, dammit!

2:31PM More random whistling.

2:56PM “So, Allen, what are your plans for the weekend? I’m all a-twitter.” I throw up a little in my mouth, and give evasive, non-specific answer.

3:01PM Places phone call to friend who might have information about an open position with another division. Adamantly badmouths previous occupant of position. Complains bitterly (again) about current boss and pay rate.

Insists that person on the other line walk him step-by-step through the online application. Runs into numerous issues that a fucking monkey could resolve. Most are followed by “This computer is SUCH a piece of shit” and more complaining about agency’s failure to budget for the necessary equipment to do his job properly. Complains, “THIS is why I have a to-do list that’s a mile long!”

3:33PM During call, another co-worker approaches with a plea for help. Puts hand to phone mouthpiece and abruptly tells co-worker “I can’t be bothered right now. Come back later.”

Returns to personal phone call and complains more about current position, possible new position and computer.

3:43PM As phone conversation continues, I say a silent prayer that someone, ANYONE will hire him so he will go away. Sadly, I also know that will never happen.

4:00PM As I turn off my cubicle light, he offers: “See you back in hell tomorrow,” with no concept of just how true that is for me.

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