A Letter to My Dearest

My Dearest:

Let me start by saying, I love you.  And no matter what happens, I always will.  I’ve loved you since that very first day we met, and what a crazy trip it’s been!  So many changes we’ve seen, you and I.  You’ve been there for me every step of the way, and I appreciate that more than you know.

But we need to talk.

It’s no secret that our relationship has changed.  These days it feels more like a strained friendship than True Love.  Yes, you can still make feel better when I’m blue.  And you can still make me laugh, that’s for sure.   But there’s no PASSION anymore.  No EXCITEMENT.

Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.  Things have been on the downslide for a while.  I don’t have the same feelings for you I once did – and if you’re being honest, you don’t have them for me either.  It’s obvious you don’t care about me like you used to.

And don’t you dare try to blame it all on me.  I mean, yes, okay, I’ll admit I haven’t been as attentive as I could have been.  I could’ve poured more time and attention into you, made more of an effort- I know that.  I’ve made lots of mistakes — I don’t deny that.  But you have to accept some responsibility too, you know.  I’m not the only one at fault here.

This has been coming for a long time, we both know it.  The writing’s been on the wall, and we’ve been afraid to face it.  But now I think I’m ready.  It’s time.

Now don’t panic – this doesn’t mean I’m leaving you.  I don’t think I could ever truly leave you, not with all of our history and everything we’ve shared.  But we’re really going to have to change the way we relate to one another.

Because – and it truly PAINS me to have to tell you this, but – I’ve been seeing someone else.

It all started innocently enough – just a small connection, a tiny spark.  But as we spent more and more time together, it developed into something different.

And now?  I’m in LOVE.  Madly, truly, passionately, devastatingly IN LOVE.

I don’t know how this will end.  I have no idea if my New Love and I are meant to last, or if it’s just a temporary affair.  I don’t even know how my New Love feels about me, not really.  I get a lot of mixed signals.  I’ve jumped into the deep end of the pool, but my New Love just keeps hovering over the shallowest corner — you know, the one with the baby steps – takes a few steps in, complains that the water’s too cold, backs up a step or two before trying again.

It’s all very frustrating and I’m terrified that I may end up with nothing more than wasted time and a broken heart — I know that’s a very real possibility, and I live in fear of it every day.

But still I can’t let it go, I just can’t.  I want to be with my New Love all the time.  It’s a lot like how I felt for you in those early days, before everything changed.  You remember, don’t you?  I just couldn’t get enough of you back then.

But now it’s not you I can’t get enough of, it’s this New Love of mine, and I know it’s wrong, wrong on so many levels.  I’m probably just setting myself up for a huge, devastating failure, maybe one from which I’ll never truly recover.  But I can’t stop myself.  Because somewhere, way back there in the deepest darkest recesses of my brain, there’s this tiny glimmer of HOPE that I just can’t seem to shake.  Hope that this is THE ONE I’ve been waiting for, THE ONE that was meant to be.

And as much as that hope makes me tremble with fear, it also fills me up with excitement and passion and anticipation.  I simply can’t let go of that.  I need it, just like I need oxygen or food or water.

So.  What does that mean for us?

I just don’t know, Dearest.  I don’t really want to let you go, either.  As I said, I LOVE you.  I do.  I always will.  We have so much history, so many good times.  We’ve done some amazing stuff together, you and me.  I can’t just walk away from all of that.

Maybe we just need a little space.  Some time and distance to figure out how we can change the dynamics of our relationship so it can work again, for both of us.  The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you, but I have to be true to myself.  Wouldn’t you do the same if our roles were reversed?

So, sweet Blog of Mine, maybe my next few posts won’t be very much.  Pictures, maybe.  Links to other stuff that you might like.  A playlist or two.  Maybe I’ll keep writing posts like I have been, but just space them out a little more than usual.

I just need time to spend with my New Love, this Book I’m Trying to Write, to see if it’s really everything I want it to be.

So let’s play it by ear, okay?

I know this won’t be easy for you, but you wouldn’t want me to fake it, would you?  You wouldn’t want to go on pretending that everything’s okay, knowing that deep down we’re both so unhappy…


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