20 random thoughts for you today. In place of a real post because, well, I’ve got nuthin’ but Haemophilus Influenza this week.
Random Thought #1: The Bean has been terribly sick all week with a bacterial infection called Haemophilus Influenza which, when said aloud in a doctor’s office with the doctor facing AWAY from you, sounds suspiciously related to either hermaphrodites or the flu, or possibly some combination of the two. (Turns out, it’s not actually related to either.)
Random Thought #2: I was extremely relieved to find out that the Bean is NOT a hermaphrodite.
Random Thought #3: The word “hermaphrodite” makes me giggle.
Random Thought #4: My apologies to any hermaphrodites who might have read Random Thought #3. I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you.
Random Thought #5: If you or someone you love is diagnosed with Haemophilus Influenza, DO NOT GOOGLE IT.
Random Thought #6: According to our pediatrician, Haemophilus Influenza is “easily” treated with some antibiotics and some really fun eyedrops.
Random Thought #7: Our pediatrician’s apparently never had to wrestle eyedrops into the eyes of a sick, squirmy, and very determined toddler with freakishly strong legs and a surprisingly mean karate kick.
Random Thought #8: Also according to our pediatrician, Haemophilus Influenza IS contagious, but “luckily” only if you rub the eyes of an infected person and then rub your own eyes.
Random Thought #9: The Bean has been crying a lot, so I’ve been wiping his eyes. Because I’m his mom.
He’s also been NOT sleeping, which means I’ve been NOT sleeping. Because I’m his mom.
Random Thought #10: Know what I do when I’ve been NOT sleeping and feel very tired as a result? Rub my eyes.
Random Thought #11: Guess who now has Haemophilus Influenza?
Random Thought #12: Yeah.
Random Thought #13: I have never watched so many episodes of Sesame Street in my life as I have in the past four days. And that’s saying something.
Random Thought #14: Big Bird really needs to stop harshing everyone else’s gig. Let the damn seal play his glockenspiel, asswipe! He’s not hurting anyone! And where’s it written that three friends can’t sing a song about the number two? Use your imagination and stop the passive-aggressive whining. There’s only room for one passive-aggressive whiner in my house, and I’ve cornered that market.
Random Thought #15: Snuffalupagus is a textbook enabler.
Random Thought #16: I have absolutely no idea how to spell Snuffalupagus.
Random Thought #17: It has just occurred to me that I’m WAY too emotionally invested in the lives of fictional Sesame Street characters. I’d like to blame it on the Haemophilus Influenza, but in my heart I know it’s really more than that. Ever since Miss Piggy won my undying admiration with her heroic brand of feminism and fierce determination, a small part of me has lived in the world of the Muppets.
Random Thought #18: The Bean has now discovered some new PBS show called Lomax, the Melody Hound. Have you seen this shit? It follows an over-the-top-southern-accented lady in a train car that’s decked out with many cartoonishly high-tech gadgets but decorated like something out of Mama’s Family. Apparently High-Pitched-Fake-Country-Accent-Redneck-Lady is trapped on the train and cannot leave, so she regularly sends her dog Lomax and some cat out with a helmet cam at various stops to sing old-timey folk songs with people dressed up as turkeys and bears.
It may be the most bizarre thing ever put on television. Definitely the most annoying.
Random Thought #19: The Bean squeals when Lomax comes on and enthusiastically claps and dances along with every song, developing both his appreciation for folk songs and already too-strong thigh muscles.
THE BEAN. LOVES. LOMAX.
Random Thought #20: The Bean is obviously trying to kill me. Send help.