Dispatch: Calling all cars… we’ve got a new APB for all cars. All officers please be on the lookout for a perp wreaking havoc around town. Subject is male, white, between 18 and 24 months, height between 30 and 35 inches, no weight given. Last seen wearing gray sweatpants, red Crocs, and – I think this says a black “gorilla” sweat shirt –with the hood pulled up. No distinguishing marks except for the most beautiful eyes anyone has ever seen. Over.
Car 1: Roger that, Dispatch. Can you give us anything else to go on? Over.
Dispatch: All it says here is that if the hood is removed you should take cover. Suspect is considered armed with kisses and extremely dangerously cute. Over.
Car 2: Um, Dispatch, this is Car 2. Can you give us a rundown on the suspect’s activities? Over.
Dispatch: Roger, Car 2. All I can tell you is that suspect has been reported at numerous points in town, disarming victims with his long eyelashes and huge friendly smile. Several victims have reported swooning, lightheadedness, and shortness of breath after coming into contact with the suspect. Over.
Car 2: Roger that, Dispatch. We’ll be on the lookout. Over.
A few minutes later…
Car 3: Dispatch, come in. This is Car 3. We think we may have spotted your gorilla shirt perp. Over.
Dispatch: Roger, Car 3. Can you give me your location?
Car 3: We’re on the north side of town, close to a park with ducks. Saw a suspicious looking subject, matching the description in your APB, chasing several ducks and throwing bread at them while giggling maniacally. Several people at the park have passed out from the cuteness. Over.
Dispatch: Roger that, Car 3. That sounds like our guy. Proceed with extreme caution. I’ll send Cars 1 and 2 for backup. Over.
Car 3: Roger, Dispatch. We’d appreciate any help we can get. Looks like the perp is on the run again, we’re now in pursuit. Over.
Dispatch: Roger, Car 3. Please keep us advised. Backup should arrive soon. Over.
Car 3: Roger, Dispatch. Now pursuing suspect on foot, my partner has him cornered in someone’s backyard where he stopped to kiss a puppy dog.
Man, that APB wasn’t kidding. This is one seriously dangerous thug, heavily armed with kisses. Over.
Dispatch: Roger, Car 3. You guys be careful out there. Any way you can take a picture with your car cam and send it back so we can identify the guy? Over.
Car 3: Roger, Dispatch. Snapping a photo now and sending it with our scanner. Over.
Dispatch: That’s our guy, Car 3. Bring him in and we’ll book him. Well done. Over.
Car 3: Just doing our job, Dispatch. Over and out.