State Government, Department of Melancholy: Current Cast of Characters

Holiday Sweater Lady – Mid 50s. Married with 4 grown children. Copes with Empty Nest Syndrome by gleefully and obnoxiously organizing all office social events. Sweater for every occasion.

Cranky Old Scottish Man – Late 60s. Lifelong bachelor. Often wears ratty cardigan and glasses on tip of nose. Discusses retirement daily.

The Stickler – Early 60s. Short. White hair. Never met a rule she didn’t love. All co-workers expected to comply.

Creepy Pornstache Guy – Late 50s but the “Jew Fro” somehow makes him look younger. The only person in the office who can fix the 1970s-era Xerox copier.

The Barbaras – Three nondescript women of similar size, hairstyle and general demeanor. Easily confused for one another.

The Ph.D.ouche – Late 30s. Couldn’t hack it in Academia. Condescending. Complains bitterly if the “Ph.D.” distinction is left off of his name on any correspondence and/or documentation.

Lady Who Never Never Smiles, Regardless of the Circumstance – Late 30s. Mannish. Served several years in the military. Humorless.

Suspiciously Effeminate Family Man – Early 40s. Small. Very clean. Idolizes Sarah Palin and Jesus. Completely baffled by the frequency at which others assume he is gay.

Territorial IT Guy – Understands less about computers than anyone else in the building. Uncooperative. Dirty shirt.

Abnormally Small, White-Haired Dude – Late 50s. Quiet. Smirky. Often found in parking lot, smoking a pipe.

So-Smart-No-One-Understands-What-She’s-Saying Lady – Early 30s. Dangly earrings. Likes to use big words and talk a lot. Best avoided.

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