The Other Question Currently Boggling My Mind

Dear dude on the motorcycle with the handlebars that outsize you by like four times. WHY do you think this makes you look cool?

I’m pretty sure you paid extra for those handlebars and I just really have to know WHY. It can’t possibly be because you thought they would make you look manly. It just can’t.

Huh? It IS?



No, really. You’ve got to be pulling my leg. There is no way you bought that thing because you thought it would make you look super strong and sexy-man.


Oh, honey. Honey, honey, honey. Hasn’t ANYONE told you?

Well, everyone else is just chicken. They are LYING to you, sweetie. But not me. Oh, no. I’M going to give it to you straight.

It just makes you look TINY, dude.

That’s right. I said it. You look like a tiny man-baby, holding on for dear life, trying his best not to fly off. Like a tiny baby David grasping desperately at a behemoth two-wheeled Goliath. Like tiny little 8 pound, 6 ounce baby Jesus in a helmet.

Have you ever seen a two-year old trying to help his mommy push the grocery cart at the store?

Yeah. That’s you, dude.

Remember Lily Tomlin’s old Edith Ann schtick? You know, that act where she sat on the huge chair and pretended to be a silly little girl?

YOU are the silly little girl in this scenario.

I’m sorry. I really am. I hate to be the one to break it to you. But SOMEBODY had to.

Seriously. Lose the ape hangers.

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