Em is single.
Why is she single? I don’t know. She’s pretty, smart, educated, funny, and in great shape.
She DOES have horrible taste in men, though. Her last boyfriend was a real douche bag one of those “I don’t know what I want” types, who broke her heart with his lame indecision and refusal to admit he was a fucking loser afraid of commitment. The guy she’s seeing now is also a fucking loser lives with his parents not really a Love Connection at all — but he’s very pretty so she keeps making out with seeing him. (Actually, THAT one I can kind of understand.)
I do not want Em to be single. I do not want Em to date douche bags. I want Em to be attached. To someone who doesn’t suck.
I do not know why this matters to me, but it does. I am a control freak think I can do it better than she can want to help my friend find happiness in love.
I tried to set Em up with Ken here, but she was scarred for life after viewing his profile unreasonably stubborn about it and has refused to let me contact him.
I tried to get Em to answer some of the zillions of “winks” she’s gotten on Match.com (at least two of which were clearly THE LOVE OF HER LIFE), but she is too cheap is not concerned at all about my feelings has so far resisted my pleas to sign up for the pay version so “we” can “wink” back at these fine fellows.
I have asked Em to let me follow her on dates with my spy kit, so I could observe and make tacky snarky totally not helpful at all very helpful suggestions, but she hates me has yet to invite me on one.
Maybe you can do better. Do you know someone who’d be a perfect match for my homegirl Em? Consider this my call for open submissions. Send me a description, a picture, anything. It can be a hobo friend, a drunk divorced old uncle relative, someone you found on a porn site Facebook, whatever. The funniest weirdest most horrifying most interesting suggestions will be featured here in a few days, winning absolutely nothing my undying respect and the recognition of thousands of hundreds of at least two other readers of The Bean.
Who knows, the guy YOU find could be THE ONE. I can see it now: They’ll talk on the phone a few times and have some really great, long conversations which I will totally listen in on and then he’ll fly out for a long weekend and they’ll finally go on their first date and I’ll sit at the next table in my trench coat and sunglasses with my spy satellite and headphones to listen in on their conversation and spy pen camera to take pictures, and I’ll take notes and report the whole story here, of how they fell in love on their very first date, and I will also take full credit for the whole thing.
And then they’ll get married and have babies and one of them will be named Bejewell after their favorite “auntie”. And word will get out that they met in this really unconventional way, and on Valentine’s Day Oprah will feature them and me on her show, and then they and I will appear on Ellen, where Ellen will give them a new house and me a new car and everyone will love them and me and later President Obama will throw a party for them at the White House and also a ticker tape parade in my honor.