What Was I Saying?

I’m falling apart over here. Every day, I forget something else. Not my name, or to put on clean underwear or anything, but stuff like taking my vitamins or where I put those goddamned keys. Stuff that everybody forgets now and then, but when added up over time becomes a source of constant frustration and bewilderment.

The other day I went to lunch and managed to lose my car keys (again), my work ID badge, AND the back piece to my cell phone, all within ONE HOUR. I found the keys in a previously secret-to-me compartment in my purse and my work badge was found two buildings down (which I still don’t get At. All.) but my cell phone remained naked until the kind folks at Sprint replaced it for me, for free. Now someone out there has a very nice, totally useless piece of a BlackBerry. You’re welcome.

(Side note: I really wouldn’t classify forgetting where PLACES are as part of this phenomenon I’m experiencing – it’s true, the Big Bean is constantly baffled by my inability to remember how to get to the bank or some other place we go to ALL THE TIME, but I’ve always had that problem and truly I think it’s just the fact that when someone else is driving I don’t pay any attention to where we’re going because I’m either (a) making up little stories in my head about the people in the other cars and secretly hoping I’ll catch one of them picking their nose or (b) totally lost in thought about some random detail that’s caught my attention, like the fact that the color of the glove compartment door is slightly darker than the rest of the dash, or my fingernail has a crack in it that MUST BE PICKED AT.)

This memory loss problem of mine is also accompanied by a loss of hearing, which I don’t think is an actual loss of HEARING so much as a loss of the ability to LISTEN and PROCESS INFORMATION. I say “What?” a lot to the Big Bean and he has to repeat himself, which he finds exasperating and I can’t say I blame him. But often, after he says it again and I finally understand, it will occur to me that if I’d just stopped and thought about it for a second, I would have realized he was NOT saying “I think the Bean’s retarded” but actually “I think the Bean just farted,” which makes so much more sense and sadly, is something that’s said quite often in our house.

Also, I’ve become terrible at listening to other people talk. I’m usually pretty good for the first few seconds but then I realize that what they’re talking about really doesn’t have anything to do with ME, so my mind starts to wander and before you know it I’m lost in a fantasy world where Matt Damon is telling me how cute I am while we ride horses on the beach, which is really strange because I HATE riding horses, and I’m hearing absolutely NOTHING this person is saying to me at all.

Actually, that last part might just be my over-inflated ego.

I used to have a bunch of theories about why I can’t focus anymore, most of which involved the copious amounts of pot I smoked in my twenties, but now I’ve forgotten most of them, and I’m not saying that just to be funny. Although it is kind of ironic.

The theories I still remember are:

1. The Bean Killed My Brain.

I’ve really noticed a marked difference since the Bean came into my life. I don’t want to blame him for singlehandedly destroying my ability to think properly, but the timing does seem like an awfully suspicious “coincidence.” Also, I saw a segment on the Today Show once about something called “Mom-nesia,” which is supposed to be like regular amnesia (pretty sure that’s an oxymoron) but instead of forgetting stuff like your name and where you live, you forget everything that isn’t directly related to your kid. Like, you just tune everything else out because all you can think about is the kid.

I saw that and was all, “Look! That’s me! I’ve got Mom-nesia!” but the Big Bean hadn’t seen the segment I was talking about so he just stared at me blankly, which made me feel like maybe this was one of those times where I see something on TV and become absolutely convinced that it is happening or will happen to me too, like I did with that whole “a cat saved its owner from a burglar” episode of Ripley’s Believe It or Not (which I still fervently believe will happen if anyone ever breaks into our house), so I dropped it.

Besides, it HAS been almost a year and a half now since I had the Bean, and the problem’s decidedly NOT getting better, so maybe it’s time to start exploring other possibilities.

2. I’m Getting Old.

I really don’t think this is it. I mean, I’m in my mid-thirties now and sometimes that does feel pretty old, but in the grand scheme of things it’s really not and even if it was, I don’t think this is how the shit’s supposed to go down. I think it would be much more of a “forgetting names and places” kind of problem. I’m guessing most really old people don’t actually hear a voice in their head going “blah blah blah” when other people talk.

3. I’m Just Too Goddamned Smart.

I really don’t know that much about the brain, admittedly, but it seems like it would have a limit to the amount of information it is able to hold. I mean, it’s all gotta go somewhere, right? And I think my brain is already filled to capacity. I’ve just learned too much and now my brain is all, “Overload! Overload!” and it’s gone wonky.

I am just too fucking smart for my own good.

This one seems like the obvious choice to me, but the fact that I don’t know enough about how the brain works to know if it’s true *might* disprove the theory.

Then again, it might be all that pot I smoked.

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