Zax and The New Car

A couple of months ago, we bought The New Car.

Correction. The Big Bean bought The New Car.

I’ve driven The New Car exactly one time (before it was even “ours,” when we were still in the “test drive” phase — as soon as it actually belonged to “us” those privileges were immediately revoked). I’ve actually only ridden in The New Car a handful of times, and I am NOT allowed to touch The New Car or walk past it or look at it funny or even think about it unless my mental image involves the Big Bean driving The New Car on a cloud surrounded by marshmallows and clean chamois cloths.

The New Car now occupies the space in the garage that was once reserved for my car.

Sometimes the Big Bean sits in an old rocking chair in the garage and stares at The New Car until he falls asleep.

I am not kidding.

So I really don’t know why it surprised me the other day when the following events transpired.


The Big Bean picked me up for lunch, in The New Car. I was slightly exhilarated and also more than a little scared to be allowed to ride in The New Car, almost like I was breaking some kind of major house rule and was sure to be caught red-handed any second.

Some discussion ensued about where we would eat lunch. The Big Bean wanted a salad, I wanted yummy appetizers. It was eventually decided that we would feast at Zax, a local pub/grill that has both delicious, fancy salads and yummy appetizers, and is located close to my office. Win-win-win.

Everyone was happy.

Until we got to Zax.

As we approached, the Big Bean carefully switched on his blinker, taking pains to be gentle because you never know, something could HAPPEN to the blinker switch; it could fall off, right there in the Big Bean’s hand, and wouldn’t that be TRAGIC? (Insert hilarious dick-in-hand joke here.). But luckily, he was careful, and the blinker came on, switch intact.

We both breathed small sighs of relief.

Everything seemed to be on track. My mouth was already watering for some yummy appetizer goodness. I was starving.

As the Big Bean slowed to turn into the parking lot, however, there was a MAJOR GLITCH. 911. EMERGENCY.


We did NOT turn in.

We kept driving.

The Big Bean cursed. And cursed. And cursed some more.

That GODDAMNED parking lot had STANDING WATER. How DARE they? The STANDING WATER might splash up onto The New Car! That scenario was UNACCEPTABLE. How could he possibly be expected to take that risk?

We kept driving, straight to a sandwich shop, which was further away from work, had no yummy salads, offered no mouth-wateringly delicious appetizer goodness — BUT it had a FLAT PARKING SURFACE.

The Big Bean was happy.

The New Car remained spotless.

I ate a sandwich I didn’t want and remained completely baffled.

I cannot make this shit up, people.

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